Mom, June 2008
Hello, how are you doing these days? I'm doing okay I guess.
What have you been up to lately? I'm living in my van now so I mostly just wake up, go to a friends house and take a shower, go job hunting, find something to eat, do more job hunting, then find a place to park my van and go to sleep.
It really hasn't been too bad except that I miss the kids quite a bit. Do you remember when I was a little girl and sometimes you and I would go driving around just to get out of the house? We would go through the drive through at Mc Donald's and get an ice-cream cone and you would say, "Don't tell dad though, cause this will spoil your supper." I would giggle and tell you, "I will eat all my supper, I promise!" We would just drive around town looking at all the really beautiful houses and you would make up stories about the people who lived in them. My most favorite one was the house that was wrapped up like a big giant present! You said it was a prince who rescued a poor girl from a mean family and he was giving her the house as his wedding gift to her. I will never forget that house. When we moved up to Indiana you would drive me around and show me all of your favorite houses from when you were a little girl, the ones that were still standing anyway. You would tell me what they looked like when you were little. I still pass by the one on Jackson Street that you loved so much. The one I loved was across the river, it was yellow and huge, it had really long windows, several of them. I don't think there was a spot in the back of that house that did not have a window! I told you that some day I was going to live in that house, how silly we can be when we are little. Anyway, now that I am living in my van sometimes I drive around and pretend you and I are having one of our drives around town to look at the beautiful houses. The house with the windows is for sale right now, sorry I don't have the money to fulfill my promise to you that I would live there some day. Maybe in a few years.
I really wish I could just call you and talk to you cause I usually end up crying myself to sleep most nights and I think if I could talk to you it would help. I am hoping that by the end of the summer I will have a new place for us to live. I will keep you posted as things develop more.
So, what is it like where you are? I hope it is nice. Do you ever see anyone you know there?
Sometimes I really miss Arizona, you know on the nights when it is less than warm sleeping in my van at Wal-Mart. Oh, which reminds me. Yesterday it had been raining quite a bit and I was heading back toward Wal-Mart to park my van for the night when over the radio they were saying that there was a tornado watch and one had been spotted in Elkhart. Well, as I pull in to Wal-Mart I noticed a couple of people sitting on a grassy area over by Culver's. I thought that was odd they were just sitting there cause there is a tornado. So, I wondered if they even knew about the tornado and I drove over to talk to them. They did not know about the tornado and they had said they were resting. They had been walking all day and were heading to the Elkhart train station so I told them I would drive them there. They were both guys and asked, "Are you sure you are comfortable with that?"
I laughed and said, "As long as you promise not to violate me or rob me I think it will be safe." Of course they chuckled and said hobos don't do that. Of course they sure did not seem like the type to harm anyone so I really did not mind. It turned out that they really were hobos and they told me a little bit about their world. It sure is fascinating mom. They are not homeless exactly, more like they choose to wander. They have their own language and everything. I really felt as though taking them to the train station was more of a favor to me than to them. They were very polite and wished me well when I dropped them off. If I wasn't living in my van I never would have met them, so I guess there is a plus side. I just really want my kids back.
Listening to the terrible storm from inside my van as I was trying to sleep made me think of hurricane Andrew. Remember that mom? It was awful, we lost everything due to that hurricane. Our home, our things, my hamster. My boyfriend was even killed in a car accident trying to leave Florida to get away from the hurricane. I was devastated because of that, but you were there and I cried into your arms as you hugged me with your great big, strong, warm, mom hug. I wish I had that hug right now. The thing is, even though we lost everything due to that hurricane we still had each other, the stuff we could get more of later. Right now I don't have anyone, not even you cause you died in a car accident on October 14, 1994, two months after my oldest was born.
Well, I guess I better go now, it's time for me to go job hunting again.
I love you mom,
Tanda
Mom, July 2008
Well, I hope you are doing well. What am I saying, of course you are doing well.
I thought I would tell you my good news. We were accepted for public house and will be moving in on August 1st! I am so excited! I know that public assistance is not the best thing, but I really need my children back. We will have a four bedroom apartment! We have never had that many bedrooms! TJ will have his own room and so will Elliot! The girls will have to share, but I think they can make do cause the room they will have is huge! It also had one and a half baths! That means two toilets! no more of Gillian having to squat cause she has to wait to get into the bathroom! There isn't any air conditioning, but Aunt Dar is giving us a window air conditioner so we will have some cool air at least.
Things are really going to start getting better now I think.
I had to sell quite a bit of my stuff to get the money for the deposit, but thats okay because I will have my children home and we will have so much fun.
I still haven't found a job yet, but I am looking every day. I don't have too much to offer as far as skills in many areas so that makes it difficult. It also doesn't mean much that I have a high school diploma anymore, everyone wants at least a two year degree. I never really thought about going to college because we never had the money for me to go. I'm sure I will find something though, I have to.
I do get some child support, but just for the older two. That helps though and hopefully once I get a job and start working again it won't matter that I don't get child support for the younger two.
I really miss you mom, but there isn't much that can be done about that. I did send dad a letter apologizing to him. I know he was just as wrong as I was, but I remember you telling me when I was a little girl that I really needed to learn to pick my battles and that sometimes I would have to be the bigger person and say I'm sorry first. Well, I said I was sorry. He did send me a birthday card and told me that he was still hurt and it will take time. Bubba came by Aunt Dar's and he says all is forgiven as far as he is concerned. He seems to be doing well. Jacquie still doesn't want to see me or talk to me, I don't think she ever will and I guess I will just have to deal with that. Genny is still to young to be allowed to see me if she even wanted to. Maybe some day I will have the chance to be a good big sister and make up for the lost time, but even if I don't get that chance I will still love them will all my heart no matter what.
I remember when they were born, that is so weird that I was old enough to be there. I was so scared when you were in labor with Bubba. You were in so much pain and I was 11 years old, not knowing how to make your pain go away. It made me remember the year before when I came home from school and found you passed out on the couch. You were all sweaty and so hot to the touch. I tried shaking you to wake you up, but you didn't even so much as moan. You had never done that before, you always woke up when I shook you, at least a little. I started screaming at you to wake up, I screamed so loud that is hurt my throat and you still did nothing. I thought you were dead, I was crying and screaming. I called dad at work and he said you were just being difficult that I should try again and I did and still there was nothing. He came home and found you were burning up and not responding just like I had told him. I remember he called someone then picked me up and next thing I knew there were strange people in our house taking you away. I started to pull away from dad toward you and he held on to me. Then he took me to his friends house and left me there. I cried until I fell asleep. He came back to get me the next day. Instead of taking me home he took me to grandma's and told me mom was real sick. Grandma tried to get me to eat, I just threw up. I started having an asthma attack and she took me to the doctor. The next day grandma even offered to take me to McDonald's where she bought me chicken nuggets, my favorite. I ate them and threw up again. This went on for days. Finally, mom was transferred to a hospital off of the air base and grandma took me to see her. I wasn't allowed in the room, I could see you hooked up to machines. The doctor even said you might die or at best have brain damage from the high fever. I got so sick I started throwing up. Grandma took me to see the doctor again who said that if my mom died I could very well die too. He said there was nothing physically wrong with me just that I had such a strong bond to you that if you died I would die with you. Grandma was sad, she started crying. That was the first time I had ever seen grandma cry. Grandma called dad and we went back to the hospital, this time Father Phil was there. Father Phil went into your room for a really long time. The next day you were awake and talking and I was able to eat again. Then, a few months later you were telling me you were going to have a baby and there we were with you sick again. The doctor decided to take you to surgery and then you were okay and so was I.
You know, when you died in that car accident I almost died too. I was sick and could not eat and was withering away. I spent days in bed not doing anything except cry. It was when I realized that I had a son who needed his mother that I pulled through. My son saved my life because if I had not had him I would just have died and that would have been the end.
Anyway, I had better get back to job hunting.
I love you mom,
Tanda
Mom, August 2008
Hello! We are moved in! I love it! Things are getting so much better already! The kids and I moved in a few days ago to our government assisted public housing and it really is a nice apartment. It has plenty of room for all five of us and TJ is so happy to have his own room, and Elliot too. The girls room is big enough that each of them has a side of the room big enough to put all of their things and still have plenty of room to play. Becca of course is not thrilled to be sharing with Gillian, but I'm sure they will be fine.
TJ will be starting junior high this year, I am scared, nervous and happy all at once. He is doing so well. He made honor roll every single report card last year. I am sure he will do just as well this year. Gillian will be going to a different school than the middle two which is a little different than we are used to, but she is excited.
Also, I went down to the Hollywood Video store to see if they have free kids movie rental there and I met a guy. I think he is funny and kinda cute. Who knows maybe I will have another friend, he really seems to like to talk a lot and is very friendly, a little more friendly than he really needs to be for customer service on the job.
I still have not found a job yet, but I am constantly looking. I am sure something will come up soon.
Right now the kids and I are having a grand time renting free movies and having what we call family movie night! Since I have a real kitchen to cook in now I make all kinds of fun finger foods and then we each pick a movie that we've rented and a couple of fun games and we spend the whole evening watching movies, eating and playing games! It's a real blast! It reminds me of you and I watching movies and playing cards when dad was working late. I just wish we could find my favorite Charlie Brown episode. The one you and I would watch every summer, I think its called Bon Voyage Charlie Brown. I can find all the other Charlie Brown shows just not that one.
I am having TJ and Becca's birthday party here next weekend. I have never been able to have a birthday party for them in our home before. This will be really nice. I can even make their cakes again. I am going to make Becca a softball cake and TJ is going to get a Transformer cake. He wants an xbox 360 for his birthday and that nice guy at the Hollywood Video store is helping me buy him a used one at Game Crazy which is owned by the same company. He truly is a nice guy. I am not sure what Becca wants, but I will figure something out.
Remember that year for my sixteenth birthday and I had gotten a job at KFC so I could have money to have a party. My check was for $21 and I started crying cause I knew that meant no party. You ended up letting me have the party at the house on base in dinning room cause it led out to the back patio. You moved the table into the living room and moved the sofa down so we had a living/dinning room for a bit. Then you bought all the food and drinks and I bought the decorations. That was the night that was when he gave me the promise ring. That was also two months before the hurricane ruined everything and he was killed in the car accident.
Two people I loved very much killed in car accidents, makes me a bit afraid for my kids to start driving.
Well, back to job hunting.
I love you mom,
Tanda
Mom, September 2008
More good news mom, I have a job!!!
Brad (the guy from the video store) and I were on a date. He took me to Logan's Roadhouse, best steak I have ever had! Anyway, after we had lunch we decided to go to a few places since we were in Mishawaka. We went to the mall and I went into the Disney Store cause it's my favorite store. I was offered a chance for an interview. I filled out the application and Ron set me up for a group interview date. I went to the group interview and I was called back for a private interview with the store director Donna! I met with Donna and she hired me! Right now it is just for the holiday season, but you know me, I'm a hard worker and I will be there when they need me and I will work as hard as I can. I just have to get over my shyness is all. I know they will keep me on after the holiday season. I am so excited! I won't have enough money to buy the kids anything for Christmas this year, but if I keep up doing well then next Christmas will be over flowing with gifts!
Oh, and there was a flyer on my door about a program through the housing authority that will allow me to eventually buy my own home. I am going to check that out because although this place is nice, I certainly do not want to stay on government assistance any more than needed. I will call and set up an appointment to see what this program is about. I will definitely keep you posted on the outcome of it.
I start my first day at the Disney Store tomorrow! I think its just orientation, but still its my first day!
The kids are doing well and are excited about my new job. Gillian thinks that since I am working at the Disney Store that means she will have a shot at being a child actress on the Disney Channel. I didn't tell her that they have nothing to do with each other cause I couldn't break her heart. I did find out that there is a back to school fashion show at Concord Mall which she was chosen to do so hopefully that will keep her happy for now.
TJ's teachers all adore him like I knew they would and he is doing really well. Becca hates her teacher of course and Elliot is trying his best. His teacher suggested I take him to a mental health facility to have him tested for ADHD, so I am setting up an appointment for him. Gillian is having a few issues with her moods so I made her an appointment too. I think there is just so much change going on, but we will get it all sorted out. They are such good kids, I couldn't ask for more really.
Oh, I have now created a chore chart and the kids follow it like clock work which is nice. We all have fun making supper together and we usually play a game or watch a movie or something afterward too. I am sure going to miss this when they are all grown up, but it is so much fun right now.
Well, I know this is a short one, but the kids will be home from school soon and I want to surprise them with some cookies for after school snack. I'm making peanut butter ones. I love having a kitchen to cook in.
I love you mom,
Tanda
